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Robin Marshall | Blog

It's a Number's Game!

This is a quickie! It's meant for every woman to see and every person that loves that woman to see! It's a gentle reminder before the New Year to please don't ignore any symptoms that your body might be trying to tell  you. From migrains to unneccessary bleeding... to losing weight or feeling swolen. We know our bodies better than anyone and I for one, care about you as do the people that love you.

This is my chart for a test called CA125. It measures the detection of cancer in your system- but it's also just an indicator that something is amiss, for instance where you see the higher number this just followed my surgery. As my doctor explained to me, all your insides were stirred up so we expect the number to go higher. 
What I'm wanting you to see is the steady decline in that number which shows the chemo is working! I have a very positive attitude and my wish for the New Year is to keep that attitude!!! Plus throw in my humor like a staple, as I do!

Never be afraid to call me if you have questions, and we all know at this point in time- my gmail account was hacked into so I'm 
WAITING like a Good Girl for Google to give it BACK! You can reach me through FB for now. 
Take a look! The lower the number the better!

I actually think I'm gonna' beat this!!! Nothin' up my sleeve? Presto!

From   Calendar - Use to Select a Date to   Calendar - Use to Select a Date - or -    latest values  
Standard Range
4/23/14 8/4/14 9/16/14 10/3/14 10/9/14 10/17/14 11/7/14 12/1/14
CA 125
<35.0 U/mL
34.3 65.2 316.3 161.6 139 77.0 36.3 22.3

The More I Know, the Less I Understand.

Dec 14, 2014

I’m in a black hole. I don’t know what’s more important any more: to preserve My life, or fix those lives around me that I love as much or even more. I have no control over either, it seems. It seems like just yesterday that I was able to control something… but now, all that mattered, falls at angles I’ve never seen, thus I have no idea how to straighten them out! It’s as if I’m in another world. 

The two people I spoke at length with the most on a daily basis, almost feel as if they’ve disappeared off the planet; my planet. My mom and my best friend, who collectively have  been in the hospital for the last 4 ½ months.  My mom still can’t talk, due to a trach tube embedded in her neck, while also attached to a ventilator and my best friend is too weak to carry on the way we did on the phone, for hours at a time, after suffering from a stroke. I’m lucky if he can offer a minute or two. It certainly has my head spinning in the opposite direction from where I began. In fact, I’m not sure where the beginning is any more; pre-cancer or during-cancer. We all got sick chronologically, so the world took on a different dimension for me.

The part that is so disconcerting is that I have a potentially fatal disease, and I was fully prepared to explain away to all, that I can’t help it… I didn’t plan on it… I did nothing to deserve it, and if I die- please know that I love you and don’t take it personally! My intent was and is to try like the dickens to beat it! It seems easier to do when those you love are strong and supportive. When they unexpectedly drop from their own illnesses that were unforeseen… what happens to the "support team?” Does it sound selfish that I feel so alone because of their "now you see me, now you don’t,” similarities? I can’t help it! Everyone told me ahead of time to make sure I had my SUPPORT TEAM during chemo! I did what I was told to do, and I leaned on them when needed. Did I lean too hard? I almost feel like the evil force that they came in contact with was because of my doing. Crazy as it sounds, they were mine. They were the ones that kept me afloat when I felt I was losing durability. That extra spin cycle in the wash that you use to make the clothes dry faster, maybe I used them up by trying to get well faster, and they both got sick.
It’s the writer in me that allows myself to think in these ways; I’m not crazy but I do allow my imagination to go into that "overdrive cycle.” It will be the death of me… not the cancer. For goodness sake, I still think there are alligators under my bed from when I was 6!

Many say to me, "Wow! You’re half way through, look how well you’ve done with your chemo!” I smile, as I think about those around me that are no longer around me… and silently, in my head I try to explain, "Yes, I’m half way through with the EASY half! I’m entering into the half I’ve not yet seen. The part that steals your eyebrows, lashes, energy and will.” This is the side of chemo that all other women I’ve spoken with that have had cancer and lived through it - have experienced. This explains the knowing looks they give me when they’ve seen me with energy and filled with smiles; it explains the question my doctor keeps asking over and over, "any loss of feeling in your toes or fingers?” Now I understand. This is the half of chemo that takes you by total surprise; the part that laughs at you when you think you know what to expect! 

I GIVE. I admit: I don’t know what’s coming on a day to day basis. When the littlest changes occur, the things these other women knew that I didn’t… I can’t share it with my support team! They are now more sick than me! It’s almost as if the cancer was so pissed off after being removed from my insides, that it is retaliating by playing havoc with my loved ones. I want to race in front of it to face it- and "bitch-slap” it back into position; Stay where you are, you filthy disease, and take your claws out of them! Work your powers on Me- not Them! No, I’m not a martyr at all, I’m just trying to understand the relevance of this poor timing on the people I love.

"I’m leaving on a jet plane…” after spending the weekend with my mom while she’s still in the hospital, wondering if I’ll ever see her again. I was shocked into silence when I saw her after just two months prior, but I quickly regained my composure and listened to all she had to say, as she mouthed the words that couldn’t be spoken, due to still relying on a ventilator, I lied when she asked how I was because what mother wants to know that their child isn’t holding up as well as they expected, and I told her stories to make her laugh and giggle! "Robin Stories,” that are next to impossible for most. It was so good to see her laugh! I showed her pictures of the kids… told her about work, about my friend… about my love life…. Until I ran out of things I thought would interest her. Then she looked at me and asked the question: "Robin, how ARE you?” I was speechless. I shrugged my shoulders, looked the other way as if distracted, and said, "Compared to you Mom? I’m just fine! Can we please talk about getting you off of these damned machines?”
When do we reach the age where we can finally fool our own moms? We thought we could when we were 16; but in our 50’s? The fact that we still try is beyond comprehension! Do we EVER grow up while we still have our parents? I think there’s a part of us that remains on hold until they go.

The cancer is still a part of my life and lately I feel the safest on the days when I go for chemo. I know it’s being zapped, … I know what my numbers are and then I live from day to day until the following chemo session! I worry about what it’ll be like when it’s over! Now THAT’S crazy.

Please continue to say prayers for those I love and throw in one or two for you! You matter to me, very much!

Much love and kisses too- my plane is about to land.


It's Not All About ME!

Nov 30th, 2014 - In the air between Charlotte and Dallas

I ended last week with my message being, "I am not concerned about who will bring me tea if I’m sick!  I am so tired of people telling me, "ya know… we’re not getting any younger.” It’s as if everyone around me is racing the clock! What do you think is going to happen? I’m in my fifties, not death row! Even being in your sixties doesn’t necessarily bring you closer to knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door! Am I the only one out here that is oblivious to the ticking of the clock? 
Just the fact that I can call you and say, "Hey, I just wanted to hear your voice,” brings me comfort. Just knowing you’re there if I need you is more than enough.

Between then and now, the best friend who I’d just had this argument with about this damned ticking clock, has wound up in the hospital after having a stroke.

My first instinct is to be so mad at him for leaving me defenseless, I mean… how do I go through a day or days not talking to him? He’s been my lifeline! I thought I was his! How many times, selfishly speaking, can one woman learn to adapt? No, as I said, I don’t need someone  to bring me tea when I don’t feel well, but I Do need someone important to talk to on a daily basis; someone who’s opinion matters to me; someone that won’t laugh at me if I ask a question that may seem reduntant and will take the time and offer the concern to give me their opinion.

My second instinct is to think, "Holy crap, he was right! We’re not getting any younger!” This is the part I’m having the most trouble with; I don’t think it’s age related but I do  think the longer we live the more apt we are to have more things happen to us, regardless of how we take care of ourselves. Our bodies can only withstand so much as we live year after year, but we can’t use this excuse for young children with cancer or rare diseases. Is it just "bad luck?” A "spin of the wheel?” "Russian Roulette?” It just can’t all be related to age and yet there he lies in the hospital debilitated with an unexpected illness out of left field and here I am walking around feeling as good as I get, while having cancer! Just when things start to come around to making sense again… they don’t.

This happened while visiting my family in SC and really knocked me for a loop. There I go again, sounding just like my mom. ENOUGH with the apples!

My youngest daughter told me today after seeing me for the first time in a long while, since being diagnosed, that she didn’t expect me to look like I do! She said, "Mom, you look exactly like you did… even better than you did before you had cancer! I’ve never met anyone that looks like you do that has cancer!” I laughed out loud! "Did you expect me to arrive on a stretcher?” "No, but mom…. Is your head soft like the rest of your skin?” She had me in stitches again, and I told her, "when you come to Dallas in a couple of weeks, I’ll let you feel it!”

It’s funny, I’ve had 3 out of 5 kids visit so far since finding out I had/have ovarian cancer and each one I allowed to see me without my wig, and had no problem with it at all, and yet when together as a family, I just couldn’t walk around that way. I left my wig on for 6 days while visiting… I just couldn’t do it. Maybe I was afraid to let my husband see me? He’s the one who’s seen me at my worst, so no, I don’t think that’s it. It’s still something I’m trying to figure out while I’m on the plane headed back to Dallas. Next week my 18 year old comes to visit and the following week my 17 year old arrives. The first thing I’ll do is whip off my wig and say, "Ta-dah!!! - and no, I haven't the slightest idea why! I guess that’s where the saying, "to know me is to love me,” comes from.

Throughout this whole blog, I’m fighting back tears because my friend is so sick. I can’t believe after all these years he didn’t have a secret cape in his closet, like I did! If we lived in the same state, I’d lend him mine. He’s man enough to wear pink and not mind people staring.  It only goes to show that all illnesses can hit at any age, some you see coming and some you don’t; it's still important to be proactive and go to the Dr. and fix the ones we might be fortunate enough to see heading our way.

I have chemo tomorrow, I’ve developed some kind of rash that’s actually under my skin on my arms that itches me. My Dr. insists it’s a reaction from the chemo, and I load myself up with Benadryl cream. If that’s the worst I have to complain about, I’m happy!
Please pray for my friend’s speedy recovery. I don’t feel like a whole person without him. He’s like my right half because he’s more right than wrong about life. Well… at least I let him think he is!

Love, hugs and many kisses to you, because one thing I did learn from my friend is we never know what tomorrow may bring. Please accept all the love and appreciation I'm offering. You are worth it!



A Mere Reflection of Myself?

Nov 20th, 2014 – Dallas


Am I delusional or am I just refusing to drink the Kool-Aid? 


I had a conversation with someone last night who is having some legal issues and may have to sort it out in front of judge. I volunteered to testify on his behalf, and the first words out of his mouth were; "Robin, you have cancer, I wouldn’t put you through any more emotional distress!” I felt that whiplash again, as if I actually forgot! He actually took me by surprise, while reminding me of what I’m living with. I said to him, "So, don’t you know me by now? You know I won’t sit back and keep my mouth shut! What does having cancer have to do with my ability to think, speak, act and tell you to shut the f-*k up? Even with his good intent, he really aggravated me! 


I am so tired of people telling me, "ya know… we’re not getting any younger.” It’s as if everyone around me is racing the clock! What do you think is going to happen? I’m in my fifties, not death row! Even being in your sixties doesn’t necessarily bring you closer to knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door! Am I the only one out here that is oblivious to the ticking of the clock? 


I think what I’m trying to say is sometimes when we get sick it doesn’t mean we need a babysitter. My doctor is my sitter. She knows me! She knows better! I have all the faith in the world in her skills, and we laugh like idiots when we’re together!


Here I am, learning life from a different perspective with certain handicaps that I’ve not had before. Sure, I’m losing hours each week for chemotherapy, and imagining that my wig looks just as good as my real hair. I see myself smiling brightly in a photograph from six months ago, before I was diagnosed, and realize the wig will never look as good as my real hair did. I used to run my fingers through my hair nonchalantly and look sexy while doing it. Now, I’d rip the whole damn wig off if I tried to do that! The imperfection of my real hair getting messy and bouncing back is what I miss!


 I have noticed I’m out of breath a little quicker than I used to be, and my eyesight is oddly getting worse. And what are these little red marks that are starting to show up on my legs and arms, not that I’m examining myself, but what the hell are they?  I am trying all kinds of meds to erase a scar, and wonder whether I have the guts to play racquetball with a scarf on my head instead of the wig. Will it stay on?  I’ve avoided wearing scarves around my neck my whole life, because I always felt suffocated. It was like a noose. But now that scarf can hide my port they use to inject chemo into me weekly. Yes, I’m the one with cancer, but I’m not the one racing time! I don’t feel like I’m in a rush to fix my life or change things up! I think I’m lucky for the amazing life I had, prior to being sick. Even with the odds against my having a complete recovery, I’m not fooling myself into believing in fairy tales. No matter what happens, I can, and will live a very productive "big girl” life! 


I am not concerned about who will bring me tea if I’m sick! I’m perfectly able to drive myself to the hospital for a chemo treatment, and if I live 3 more years or 30, I’ll enjoy every day that is presented to me! No, I don’t look at each day as a victory; I just feel that as abnormal as my physical side of the cancer may be, for me, it’s normal. I’m trying to live my life without making a big to-do out of it! It’s not avoidance it’s acceptance! 


In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a very independent woman and that’s how I’m planning on remaining sane. Cancer only hit one part of my insides, the rest remains intact. My brain is on overdrive, not because of the disease, but because of the many things I have on my plate that excite me! My kids, my work, my book, my appearances, and my friends are the things that keep me focused and spry! OMG I just used "a mom word.” 


I appreciate all the love and positive energy all of you send my way; I know it’s truly helped me. I love the fact that I can call on you just to say, "Hey, I want to hear a friendly voice,” and the smile on the other end of the phone brings me comfort. Just knowing you’re there if I need you is more than any human can ask for! Thank you!  


I walked away from writing this blog during my lunch break. I wanted to make sure I still felt the same by end of day and I do! There are no clocks ticking in my immediate future, but if yours are, pick up the phone and call me. I’ll have you giggling in less than a minute and you’ll forget everything you’ve been worrying about. 


You ain’t going nowhere! 


Not without ME!





The Jury Is Back And The Verdict Is In:

Nov 12, 2014 - Dallas, Tx

And the news is good! Actually, this is the first bit of good news I’ve had since this journey started just a few months ago. It's all about faith! Faith builds hope not only internally but amongst friends too, and you have proven to be my friends, just in case I haven't said "thank you," lately. 
My CA-125 test, which measures the indication for cancer in my system came back NORMAL!!! For the first time I feel like I'm telling the truth when I say "I'm gonna' be just fine!" Even if things change back and forth over the next 4 cycles I truly feel I've got a grip on this and I have some control over my body!
I had to have a blood transfusion  yesterday because my red blood count was way too low, and at least I didn't have to add my OWN, as in these totally self-service, God forsaken gas stations, but adding a couple of pints of blood will not stop the feeling I have that I’m actually making progress and this chemo thing is actually working. Chemo is a poison that (hopefully) stops the advance of cancer cells, but also kills the good cells within you. My body requires steroids that keep me awake at night, so I do most of my writing overnights for now.  My hair growth has taken a vacation through evacuation, but I found the perfect wig, which has brought tears of laughter to my eyes on occasion when someone I see on a weekly basis, male or female, will comment that I've really let my hair grow long or they love the new color! Screw my real hair, I actually have come to determine that my own hair was a bit dried out anyway, and I'm in love with my new wig! In fact I've learned that dress- up can be fun!
I believe I'm tough and I'm going to make it through this, but honestly, there are times when I’m scared to death! I don't understand how I could take really good care of myself for my entire life, then be diagnosed with cancer. "Type A" or not, it makes no sense to me. Cancer sneaks up just like all other diseases and conditions. It doesn’t discriminate between young and old, rich or poor, black or white. What matters is how you manage it! I didn’t ask for it, but then again, this cancer just messed with the wrong woman! I really believe that now!
I'm back at work, full-time, feeling like I never missed a beat, and with regard to a more taboo subject, there IS sex after a hysterectomy and a severe diagnosis such as ovarian cancer. Scars do fade and hormone replacement is not always needed to get back in that saddle again! I can picture eyes rolling here, but I began noticing that if I spent more time trying to make myself look good again, including strong tape on my wig -LOL- and I began recognizing that I had "show stoppers" on the inside too, like a good heart and a strong soul, passion just took its own step forward! Baby steps...
Guys, she will "come back," if you'll just be patient, and ladies, don't avoid the "stirrings" when they show up! Grab hold of this wild concept that you may have thought took a very back seat... and just go slow, but take the ride and don't be afraid to enjoy yourselves!!! Too much info? I don't think so; I think Every Woman wants to know if she'll be able to be the "turn on" again, or... get turned On again! It's just our frame of minds, allowing ourselves to heal inside and out while being with the right partner. 
As I began round 3 of my chemo two days ago, I knew there would be another jury deliberation. I will face it as I have in the past, with a combination of courage, and fear. That’s how it is, for me, and perhaps for any other women reading about this journey. 100 years from now, maybe my children’s children will look at their grandmother and draw on the strength that it took to write this blog. I hope so, for them, for you, and for me. 
I rest my case!  Bailiff? There's order in this court!

This Truth Was One of the Hardest Things I Have Ever Told.

Nov 1, 2014 - Dallas, Texas


It took Nerves of Steel to write this blog series. To just make the announcement: "Robin Marshall has Cancer, There… I Said It!” You’ll never know how frightened I was to share that news. I thought, "It is better that people hear it from me and not let it get all twisted up in a gossipy form from others.” After telling my kids about it, I thought, "How will my kids react when they read this?” Other questions that penetrated my brain like, "how will my employers’ react, my co-workers, what happens to my book that I just released, will my PR staff stay with me and ride out this storm?” "Will I even survive the operation, will they get all the cancer, what will the chemo really do to me, and will I be able to bounce back to the woman I was so comfortable being?” I mean, it took me over 50 years to finally become her!


I’m so happy that I did come forward for so many reasons! I’ve learned who my true friends are, without even having to ask. They came forward; arms open with words of encouragement and offers of help. Facebook friends that I’ve met at conventions, or just online have done nothing but be supportive by reading, applauding my baby steps and offering the high-5’s when necessary. My kids have read along and have seen the value of telling the truth. They understand that truths are worth sharing and can travel quite the distance like miles and miles of virtue just waiting to be followed; the perfect pathway.


After two years of living in Dallas, I’ve finally found the time to bring one child at a time to visit me. So far, two out of the five have come, and I’ve learned so much about them from that much needed one on one time that we seem to lose sight of as they grow up. I left them behind to support them while moving to a strange city, and at times I was the one that felt so abandoned. Losing connection with your children is like losing a limb. We all get caught up in the "whys” of life, and I’m now dedicated to making sure the other three get here too. My son arrives in a couple of weeks! The other two are fighting over who gets to come next! They want to take care of me! Never in my life, did I ever think my children would be the ones to take care of me.

My eldest sat by me during the first round of chemo and never complained as I was sick. We talked and talked about life, and its many surprises, one of them being an observation by me: she had become a woman of substance. I think she is a better daughter than I was to my own mom. I was in awe! My middle child came next and once again we discussed things that normally would be lost in the middle of a seven member family. Important things that matter to her, things I didn’t know. Things she was afraid to tell me for fear I’d be disappointed in the choices of where she wanted her life to wind up. The fact that I didn’t know that she doubted my love or my flexibility to ride with her decisions, was a total eye-opener for me. By just being able to offer advice that she willingly listened to, then seeing her exhale when she understood that I’d be by her side no matter what, was yet another huge step in my journey to the truth. I can’t wait to see what the other three will offer me in life lessons!


My eldest and I flew to Pittsburgh to see my mom who had been in the hospital for most of my initial cancer recovery period. It was the first time I was able to make that trip, and as the three of us sat in the hospital room, me being in the middle, my mom only able to talk by mouthing words and using her hands to write due to a track tube installed, I watched her lips, looked at my daughter’s eyes, wondering why they weren’t rolling anymore as they used to do with me, and then we both proceeded to get yelled at by a woman who can’t talk! My mom told me to "Shut Up,” and to my daughter she said, "I asked you to turn up the thermostat by TWO degrees, NOT THREE! Go FIX it!”

I sat between the generations of attitude and pictured that apple tree… Wow… I hope I’m around long enough to see the apples that fall from my children’s’ branches!


I’ve found that as frightening as the beginning stages had been, as I told the story of my journey I was able to accomplish something on a less personal level but an even grander scale which was to raise the alert for other women, their spouses, and their children to take note of the signs or lack thereof, for ovarian cancer. It’s a disease that can’t be seen! The only proactive medical steps are to pay attention to your body and not to shy away from things that aren’t feeling as they should.


The Payoff:


As a result of writing this blog beginning on Aug, 2014 I’ve had 9 women write to thank me for opening their eyes. Three needed a hysterectomy, three have detected some kind of cancer and they caught it early on, and the others are still waiting for their Doctor’s reports. 


I am no saint. I was just a frightened  woman that felt the need to vent, explain, cry and lean… but this outcome of knowing I was able to help, makes me understand that all the fear in the world, along with that empty pit in my stomach that caused me anxiety and palpitations while telling my story, was worth it.


If one woman can write it and change the lives of nine other women, imagine how many lives we can change together by you forwarding this blog to every other woman or man who loves a woman, that you know.


Make the difference. There are over 3000 of you that are reading this blog. If every one of you forwarded it to 5 people you care about, that’s 15,000 potential lives that can be made aware or even be saved. My mom calls it "team work!” Oddly enough… so do I.


It’s those damn apples…


Hair Dryer? Yer' Outta' Here!

Oct. 16th, 2014
Dallas, Tx
I Did It! I’m FREE at Last! I’m back to feeling like myself! Dare I say, a Sugar Mom?
I finally realized I’d been holding myself hostage.... to my hair! I made an appointment with the woman who sold me my "patiently waiting wigs"... to cut it all off! As a cancer survivor herself, and a hair stylist, she does this for every woman who’s purchased a wig from her store.
I sat down in her chair with the cape on, and she started to cut. I stopped her; "Wait, what are you doing?” She said, "I’m taking more off, to get you closer to the finish line.” We both looked at each other via our reflections in the mirror, both survivors; both thinking maybe viewing through a reflection will cut this painful experience in half. The intensity of everything we're feeling won't show as much!

I looked her in the eye at that point and said, "This is not going to grow back for quite a while, it’s Not going to get any prettier, and there is no point in dragging this out! I’m sick to death of being afraid to brush my hair, losing clump after clump; it's almost as though my hair has held me hostage and not allowed me to be myself! Please help me to clean up this mess that I’ve allowed to manifest in and out of my head, Ok?”

She looked back at me with what I swear was my own frightened expression, left the room and came back with a look of determination and a big electric razor. She said, "Before you lose your mind completely let’s finish this job!” That was my defining moment. I knew this was the right thing to do. Finally. 
The buzz began, and with the first swipe of the razor from my neck to above my ear, I felt the hair that has been a part of me since I was an infant spill off my shoulders, and on to the floor, as I felt the first tear spill slowly down my cheek.
When she finished I took a good look at who I really was in that mirror, not just my reflection, but hers too. I didn’t realize she’d been crying as well. We were both looking inside of each other’s souls. It became all too clear for me when she said, "We are more than our hair in this journey.”
It’s done!
No more hair coming out, no more worrying about leaving a trail of it on desks and floors, no more trying to cover bald spots or fearing the clogged shower drain, the stuffed brush, the receding hairline, and the reflection of my hair evacuation. All gone from the minute we swept it off the floor. She asked if I wanted to keep the cuttings, to which I quickly responded, "Hell No! They’ve caused me nothing but grief for the last few weeks!
Good riddance!”
"Hmmmm… I think I look like Annie Lennox!” Because of my sun tanned face, the top of my head looked blonde in comparison. I seriously considered going totally bald as my new look…. for a minute. Nah…not yet!
When she presented me with my new wig, I quickly took it out of her hands and explained that I needed to do this myself. I put it on, centering it on my head exactly as she’d taught me. I thought I looked like  "Cousin It” from the Adams Family as we both laughed out loud. With her continuing explanation I finally figured out how to wear it, how to accept it, and how to feel better about myself than I had in weeks.
I felt liberated!
It’s amazing how one day you can’t imagine living your life without your best assets like your hair, your shape, your cosmetic "door openers!” The next day you’re forced  to rely on your mind, your personality, your heart and the fact that people really do love you for who you are, not what you look like. It’s mind-blowing, almost surreal to think that I thought all my good parts might have been shortcuts to get me where I am in life!
….now I know better.

It All Comes Down To A Woman's Hair...

October 5, 2014 – Dallas, Texas



There are two things you can’t mess with: a woman’s kids and a woman’s hair. For a split second I truly couldn’t figure out what I was most unhappy about; the fact I may lose my life or the realization that this newly developed "Sugar Mom” was going to have to live her immediate life without her hair!


I never realized the importance I put on what I looked like until I heard the words, "Yes, you’ll need chemotherapy and yes you’ll lose your hair.” You may as well have slapped me twice across the face because the first slap didn’t register. As a women who tries to look my best, this is the most humbling experience I’ve ever encountered.


I used to be able to get ready for work in 15 minutes; makeup, hair, dress, heels and I’d be as good as I could get! Now, I notice it’s taking me longer to make myself look even close to normal, let alone a "head-turner.” Lately I have been doing TV appearances to promote my book, you know, those "Good Morning Charlotte” type TV shots where one must be on the set by 6AM. I lay in bed at night or wake up in the morning just trying to figure out how to piecemeal myself together for the camera. Who would possibly help me with what's left of my hair and makeup at 6am?


I used to say to my publicist "bring me all you got, I'll be there with bells on!" I now fear that she'll be bringing me something too big for me to handle. Since when did hair and makeup become too big to handle? From the neck down I still have the moxie, but it's above the neck, in my head, that makes me falter. So the first swipe of the brush through my thick auburn hair shortly after my first chemotherapy treatment was devastating to me. Perhaps I thought that maybe, just maybe, I’d be that woman, you know, the one who might beat the odds;


I wasn’t!


Maybe just a little of my hair, or none would fall out;


It didn’t!


Don’t let me kid you though, I’m mortified to lose my hair. Now when I brush I can’t believe there’s any left when I see the sheer volume of my hair loss. It’s down-right scary! When it first started, all I could utter was, "Oh no…please… not me.” That’s when I became afraid to straighten, dry or even wash my hair for fear of disturbing the ebb and flow of waves that are threatening to desert my head, without my permission, for the first time in my life.


The pieces that I thought were the most secure, the most important, are the very ones at risk. In fact, I am shedding the less important superficial facets of my life faster than the Chemo is shedding the hair into my brush. My point is, we think we know what we want; our goals, our dreams, and the fine line between the two, but when something life-altering happens to us, everything changes. It’s all up for grabs like a cartoon of your life with every dream and reality on a tight-wire, where some stay balanced and some fall by the wayside.


I thought life was simple, and that I had finally figured it all out. Then, in walks "The Big C, like a smug, "in your face” ogre with a swagger and purpose unlike anything I’ve ever conjured up. It’s an unforgiving disease that springs up out of nowhere.


My legs! My hair! My face, My body!. All the things that I thought mattered so much, are mattering less!


It seems cancer has a way of altering life’s priorities.

PS. Please be proactive. Have your annual checkups, watch for staining after menopause, cramps out of the blue, spots on your skin, and if you feel something is out of whack, you are probably right! No one knows your body better than YOU, so please, trust your instincts and call your doctor. You are NOT being a PEST!


Love, Hugs and Kisses!




Welcome to the Hotel Hospital-ia...

September, 28, 2014 - UT Medical Center - Dallas, Texas

"You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave...."  The Eagles.

I'm back in the hospital. Oh JOY!


When you're readmitted to a hospital, you already know the weak links of the system, so you know to sidestep them and move forward on your own.  For instance, while on my way to the chemo clinic, it was determined that my system couldn’t tolerate a second dose of the stronger Chemotherapy. My kidneys were in distress, and they wanted to monitor me and make sure the Creatinine levels returned to normal. "Robin, you're borderline dialysis," said the kidney Doctor. They suggested I stick around and they'd get me a room. Ha! Even a doctor prepping for someone else's surgery knows that there is no such thing as "sticking around to make things happen faster!"


So I went home, paid bills, watched TV, and packed a bag, so when they called me and asked "where are you?" I told them "I'm minutes away, did they have a room ready?" I live 20 minutes away and the reply made me smile; "yes ma'am, within the hour you’ll be in room 333." I would have sat there for 4 hours waiting on that room! That was trick number ONE!


Once again I am admitted to the hospital, shown to my room, unpack, and ask for pajama bottoms. No way am I getting caught in the breeze this time around with my bass (no treble) hanging out! I start to walk down the hospital hallways, all the while running into old friends that say ridiculous things, even though I know they mean well. "Oh, so happy to see you again!” "Oh, but not under these circumstances!"


My first close encounter is, "The Stick Nurse," who is apparently known for her prowess at giving needles. I'd never met her before, but she says she's known in these parts because, in her own words, "I only stick my patients once, because I look before I poke! Right!


She stuck and dug and infiltrated my veins until she finally said, "Girl? Your veins just keep rollin'! Do you want me to find another site?" I said, "NO. I want you to find me another NURSE!" Ok, that was my first black mark, and I admit I could have been nicer about it, but don't tell me you're good at one thing, and turn out to be bad at it! I HATE that!


Next; The bed was broken. It felt like an air mattress was blown up only in the middle so that every time I'd lay down I'd roll to the side! They didn't believe me until I insisted the nurse lay down on the bed! Her words, "well bless your heart, this wouldn't make for fine sleeping now, would it!" The mattress replacement took 3 hours. Not that I'm counting, but that would have been up to seven hours of torture, four hours waiting for my room and three hours waiting for a new mattress! I could just picture Bob Barker's team announcing "A NEW MATTRESS!" with the model waving her sexy princess arm across it. Am I out of my mind yet? Yes….but wait! There’s more!


Next stop, the MRI and Ultrasound tests in the basement. They took me to the very cold hospital basement strapped in a wheelchair with no blanket. When I laid on the table the tech added warm gel and started probing with the wand. I began to laugh hysterically! When did I become ticklish? I kept trying to control myself because he had no sense of humor at all! My theory is that you become ticklish when you lose weight, because your bones are closer to the surface of your skin. Does this make sense?


After the sonogram I had to wait for "transport." I waited 20 minutes for someone to come and push my chair up one elevator floor. "This is ridiculous!" I said, and grabbed a blanket left the chair. I found the elevator and snuck back to my room! What they don't know won't kill them. I had a conference call scheduled for 7pm and it was 6:50 already!


A young man walked in asking if he could change my bed. I was sitting in the high backed chair and waved him in happily! Anyone that offers to make my bed can just as well lie in it, figuratively speaking, of course! But when was the last time a man,  made YOUR bed? I watched him as he perfectly turned in the corners and said to him, "My mom tried to teach me to do that, but I could never master it the way you have! His response led to a long conversation about people helping each other to feel better. He felt making the perfect bed helped someone feel comfy and secure when they climbed in. He's right of course! Then he began to tell me about his project on Anti-Poaching. He's writing a book about endangered animals, and showed me some of his animal drawings. I'd swear I was looking at photographs, not pencil works. He kindly considered me to be one of his "go-to patients." He said, "When I need three or more minutes to just smile and relax, I have my favorite patients to check in on, like you!


It's amazing how we fail to look at things as others do, from different perspectives.


Then the headaches began. Oh Lord, where they came from I don't know! Honestly, they are vicious! These were the kind of headaches that cause you to lay very still and pray very hard. It’s the "no light at the end of the tunnel," kind of pain. All my problems were determined to have been sprung from the chemo being too strong for my system. I've been on pain meds, and nausea meds, while lying in this hospital bed being prepped for the next round of ""Chemo Delight!" I think it's the equivalent to setting oneself up for disaster!


I have a great idea, being that I've opened up my life for all of you to see; let's make a greater case together. I've shared the fact that I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer, and I've also told you how I've been affected by certain treatments, as well as how to watch out for these signs in your own bodies, and what to do if you see something amiss. My idea is that we help other women get through this, together. Forward this blog to any woman you know within the ages of 25-65 as a "heads up” and together we may save a life! As I am finding out, a little knowledge goes a long way!


I have so many things I yet want to do, but saving another woman’s life is at the top of my list.







September 23, 2014 – Dallas Texas


I'm going to' put humor on hold for a minute as I'm just not seeing a glimpse of it. Last we spoke I was having my first round of chemo. Day one is the typical intravenous chemo and day two is the chemo injected into a port that goes straight into my abdomen.  Apparently my body wasn't thrilled with the day two regimen.  Can we say, "sick as a dog for FIVE days?" The thing I dreaded the most, was the nausea and although I never threw up, but I wish I had! That feeling of always being on the edge where you break out in a sweat, hold your breath, and wait for your body to explode, only to have it never happen, was almost anticlimactic! Talk about looking a "gift horse in the mouth!" I'd been told that days 4 and 5 would be the worst and then, all should start heading back to normal. Wrong! They were the longest five sick days of my life. I should have easily been paid overtime for it!


My daughter Wren came to stay with me over the weekend and was the bright spot. She never complained, always asked what I might need, and rarely left my side. I was so sure we'd never make it together as we can hardly tolerate each other when we're well, let alone if one of us is sick! Two headstrong women who love each other very much and recognize each other’s faults just by looking at ourselves in the mirror. I think we caught a glimpse of the past, present and future this time around as it mellowed us out. She kept saying to me, "I came in so that I could help you while you were throwing up, why aren't you throwing up?" I continued to say, "shush, even when  you say the words, it makes me sick!" She left Sunday afternoon and I started to go downhill. Truthfully it started while she was here, but I was afraid to let her know. I think it's the mom in me that continues to try and be the hero even when I’m not. 


Lots of stomach pain, dizziness, and I know they say when you're having Chemo, you're supposed to drink a gallon of water a day, but there's no way to do that when you're constantly nauseous! As a result I just couldn't eat or drink properly. The flu, that’s what it feels like! You’re in a weakened state.


Today (9/23) I went in for the "day 8 Chemo," and met with my doctor ahead of time. I found out my body is not tolerating the second day of this poison. This explains why I was so sick for so many days. It affected my kidneys, elevating levels of who knows what, and as a result they need to re-admit me to the hospital within a couple of hours.


So back I go into the world of wandering hospital hallways in a gown that I PRAY is closed in the back! The only good thing this go-round is that I already know a lot of the hospital staff!

I know who's buttons I can push, and those I can’t. There was one doctor who signed me out last time, and gave me my "can's and can't do's," I asked him if I could play the piano! Lord have mercy he fell for it! He got so excited that he started rambling, "yes, yes, yes!" When I finished by smiling at him and saying, "Good, because I could never play it before!” He fell into the chair near my bed, holding his head in his hands, shaking it, and laughing.


I plan on finding him to ask, "Did you miss me?"

Chemo Injected - Start Your Engines!

Sept 19, 2014 - Dallas, Texas,


The anticipation is by far the worst part; waiting for weeks after surgery, and wondering what it'll feel like as Chemo goes into my veins is like a science fiction movie! Can we see it through our skin? Will it feel like oil being pushed forward like a tsunami moves torrential waters? It's amazing what one woman and her imagination can do.


Finally! I went and had both Chemo sessions done. It felt like nothing. Tuesday it was through my vein in my arm, and they added a Benadryl cocktail ahead of time, so I was basically in "la-la land!" I slept through most of it, and woke up feeling exactly the opposite of what I'd feared, ... refreshed! Very strange...  Wednesday I had the chemo injected into the port in my abdomen, and again I felt nothing as it spread and conquered what it was supposed to kill. Wouldn't you think for a minute, that if something has entered your body to kill off little cells of cancer that you'd at least feel some sort of animosity traveling through your system? It's easy to see that I'm on overdrive for sure. Overthinking, over expecting, maybe even over doing. It just seemed that the busier I kept the less I would think about it!


No such luck!


It's been a day since the treatments, and I've gone to the health food store and bought all kinds of vegetables, that I wouldn't normally have eaten, and with every bite I picture throwing it all up. All that expensive food just landing in the toilet. Am I a drama queen, or what!  I've bought everything I can think of that is filled with protein only to be told by the nutritionist that too much protein can cause kidney stones. Is there a "win" anywhere? Geeze ... I thought I was a healthy eater before I was diagnosed, and now I feel like I hadn't even touched the surface! Kale, Shitake mushrooms, okra... it's like learning a foreign language!


My daughter is on her way here from Raleigh, NC in anticipation of spending the worst days with me. She and I tend to butt heads often, mainly because we're so much alike. She knows that day 4 and 5 are supposed to be a nightmare. The only thing the two of us feel that is worse than throwing up, is watching someone ELSE  throwing up! She gets it from me; all we have to do is hear someone gag and we fall apart. I told her, "by the time you go home, we'll have to decide which we hate more: each other or Chemo!” 


I'm waiting for her to show up in a cab, and I'm waiting to start throwing up! I'm hoping I don't throw up on her when she walks through the door. I'm feeling a bit crazy from the whole situation, can you tell?


I'll let you know in the next blog what came first, her arrival, me throwing up, or her throwing up because of me. Will she get right back in the cab after realizing she couldn't do it?


I'm actually shocked that she said, "yes, Mom... I'll come."


I don't know if I could've done it?


I guess she loves me!


50 Shades of Gray Doesn't Compare to Where I AM!

Sept 13, 201 4, Dallas, Texas


I'm finding there is no gray anywhere anymore; it's all black or white.When I think about the single tear that slid down my daughter's face as I told her the results from my doctor, I wanted to shake her and say, "This is just a setback! You KNOW me! I have too much to do! I'm still taking care of you!" We share the same sense of humor and I thank God for that. I can make all my kids laugh by telling them the silliest of situations with my delivery of a story, and they tell a story just as well as me! We are and have been a reality show in the making ever since the day I thought of having them! 


We're nowhere near perfect- omg No, but oh, how we can howl at the injustices and stupidity of those around us! It's like a secret club! Each kid filled me in with all of their medical, school, boyfriend and girlfriend news, almost as if they'd never get a chance to tell me again; like words just pouring out of a ripped milk carton spout. You never know how much will land in the glass. I felt like the glass trying to catch every drop! I was on overload by the time they were all done talking, and wondering... when did I have time to have five kids? 


When you have that many kids and something life altering steps in, it tends to make you take pause and remember isolated incidents such as, my GM on Long Island got pissed off at me as I nursed my first child in-between on-air radio breaks... or a song like Stairway to Heaven that would allot me a good 7:45! Hey! I told her, "we all use that song to go to the bathroom... so why can't I nurse my kid instead?" After months of she and I torturing each other as employee and boss, we wound up being the best of friends 15 years later, living in different states and laughing about our previous hatred towards each other! She left such an impression on me, where at that point she had stage 4 cancer while being the GM at a station in Baltimore.  She'd do her chemo in her office and throw up in the garbage can. That was only 6 or 7 years ago, and she's gone now, but wow! I always felt she was the strongest woman I'd ever met. 


These memories float by... like rafts in the Lazy River that I want to grab on to and then let go to make room for another...


There's a million more things that travel across my mind while I drive to the wig store to pick up what I've ordered. As I remember my first visit, I said to the very kind woman, "Please, I don't want to make an ordeal of this. I have cancer, I know I'm going to lose my hair and I'm not happy. Show me something you think will work and I'll take it." She showed me one wig- said she'd order it in my color, we tried it on and I paid for it. I was there a total of 15 minutes. Not a very long time to make a huge alteration in one's life. 


I pulled up to the store second time around, held my breath as I walked across the parking lot, preparing myself for my inevitable future look. My ego and self worth was better, having just done two TV shows to promote my book and philosophies and spending a week with my family, so I walked in with my head up and I smiled! "What do you have for me and let's give it a shot!"


She brought the wig out, sat me down, tried it on and I HATED it! What happened to me? All of a sudden I was Me, with an opinion again! No Way was I settling for something that didn't look like me! Where this woman should have been outraged, because I refused to take this piece of hair that I committed to, instead she smiled at me and said, "I'm glad to finally be able to meet the woman you Are. Let's find you something you really like this time." 

For the whole week, starting with my doctor's visit, I held in the tears, never wanting to let even one slip out of the corner of my eye as my daughter's did... because I was afraid I'd never be able to stop the flow! As this woman was so understanding with that gentle smile, I broke down. Sometimes it takes a stranger to let you be and feel, genuine. 


She took the time, found me beautiful alternatives, taught me how to wear them, made me less afraid of the wind blowing, and ordered the same wig in my own  hair color so I'd have two! I can't begin to tell you how a piece of me just breathed again. I may have been holding my breath for weeks and just didn't know it!


I got home from the Carolinas and also found a box on my door step that contained three other wigs from my gorgeous and brilliant girlfriend, Arlene. She's a doctor and is the one that insisted I get a CA 125 blood test way back in the beginning. It measures cancer cells and probably saved my life as she suggested I repeat it again within a few weeks. The numbers escalated quickly and we caught it.


I know I've been preachy... but I'd like to add something to my "Preachy List," if you'll just bear with me a second longer: Yes, I'm insisting as your friend, to NOT ignore signs of something that is out of the norm- and I'm NOT talking about your husband! He will Always be "out of the norm!" I'm talking about your body. Watch, examine, read the paper, watch the news, study up on things that you see that are questionable. 


My 'extra Preachy' comment is, Never stop appreciating your best girlfriend. You can't replace her, no matter how far a fight may escalate- she is still YOUR person. Love her, be kind to her, and remember that you can be a witch around her and she'll still love you. Our husbands can only TRY to be what our best girlfriends do without effort. That girlfriend is also someone you may only talk to or see once every month or so, even yearly; but she's the one that you can "pick up right where you left off with" and feel the warmth spreading through your limbs just knowing how lucky you both are to have each other.


Chemo starts on the 16th and I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't scared. I Am. Your support has been a godsend, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words.

Three days and counting! Truthfully? I'm more PISSED than SCARED! THAT- is a GOOD thing!


Have a wonderful day! XO


Unexpected Results From the Doctor.

September 8, York, South Carolina



I met with the Doctor Tues morning and left same day at 1pm to fly home to South Carolina and see my five kids. They all think so differently about life, fate and God that I had to approach each one individually. The flight gave me 3 hours to rethink what was said to me, and add five different spins on the same verdict.  

The bottom line is, I'd been under the misconception that while yes, they got all the cancer out, at the same time they snipped 27 tiny pieces for biopsies just to make sure there was nothing else... because there is no cure for Ovarian Cancer. Imagine the shock in hearing your doctor say, "you'll go through 6 rounds of chemo, lose your hair, and then we'll retest you every three months for reoccurrences." My reaction was, "Wait- what? I thought I'd be done after 6 rounds of chemo? 




It's more of a disease that needs to be maintained via chemo, and only 15-20% of women will be cancer free after chemo treatments within a 5 year period.

I was shocked into silence!


Not wallowing in depression mind you, I was just so surprised that I was unaware of the reality of the situation. I was busy thinking how to retell this diagnosis without looking for pity and gathering strength.


At first, I listened, nodded, put my wall up, wouldn't let anyone touch me for fear of falling apart before I got on the plane. Who can fly with strangers and let loose with tears? Impossible for me to do! The more I talk about it the worse it gets! Words spill out of order far faster than tears.  I could imagine saying to the person sitting next to me, "I thought I was going to be ok, and I booked a trip to spend time with my kids to rejoice that the worst part is over, but they know me so well, and they'll know I'm lying by the time I land and get to the curb!" Sure,... any stranger would get that logic! NOT! So I just shut up. I did what I do best: compartmentalize.


I received a call from the wig store while on the way to the airport. "We've got your hair, whenever you're ready we'll get you set up." In my head I'd been thinking this is short term and I'll wear this wig for 6 months and learn to love it, and after my hair starts to grow back I'll lose the wig. Now, I'm choking while thinking three months after chemo, I'll have lost the wig and then they'll tell me the cancer is back! I may need to keep the wig handy for futures.


While in South Carolina, I've been booked on two TV shows in Charlotte to promote my book, which had me shopping for dresses and shoes yet again because god forbid I'd brought one or two with me? Who knew? A third TV appearance is coming up upon my return in Dallas, and I've set up an LLC and Trademark search for my company. No…I'm not in denial. Will I be a part of the 15-20% success story? Odds are against me since one out of 27 little snippets came back positive, but as scary as it all is, my attitude is more positive than that stupid biopsy!


I've told my kids to get tested for the gene mutation blood test. At least we can be proactive in something!  Their reactions to my news was heartbreaking. Some cried silent tears, some just stared at me in disbelief and a couple left me thinking I hadn't been clear enough, but I wasn't willing to retell the tale to make sure they understood. If they didn't get it the first time, they weren't meant to be burdened.  It's as simple as that.  I love them; I told them; it broke my heart to prepare them for what very well could be, and I skated through by not dwelling on it even if I felt they didn't comprehend 100%. Does this make me a bad parent? I don't think so, I think I put us in "protect mode."

I receive multiple emails from women I don't know, thanking me for speaking up about cancer. They tell me they've gone to the doctor and that I've made a difference in their futures! I'm also receiving emails from women that want to know more about just what a "sugar mom" is, because they think they ARE one! I love it! They are taking risks to be stronger and better than they've ever been while staying sexy and alive! If I have had some responsibility in making any of these differences in multiple lives just from writing a book, a blog, and opening my mouth, then what right do I have to complain?


Get checked if something's out of the norm. YOU must be responsible for your own future! Commit to a "life less ordinary," then join me in the world of "Sugar Mom!" Just do something NEW that makes you feel special. Recognize that it's "ME TIME."


Look in the mirror and make sure you're happy with the woman you've become.


Life will not wait for you…….


I'm Home and attached to No IV-Pole- Finally!

Aug 14, 2014 - Dallas, Tx

 Third day waking up in my own bed! It's been scary! The first night I truly believed they'd let me out of the hospital too soon and as a a result I never unpacked my suitcase. In fact today that chore will be completed. Three days later.


It's just amazing how one day you're the woman that always wears dresses, heels, nails and would never leave the house without makeup on and the next day you become someone who has to learn how to walk in heels again!


It bothers me that I was so health conscious and so exercise regimented ... how does ones own body let that kind of a person down? It's not fair to not trust in your own body, but the truth is, I don't! I feel like a walking time-bomb.


On the other hand- it took me a few days to figure out that I've already won more than half the battle. I've been sitting here worrying to death about the chemo part when I should have been rejoicing  in the fact that I kicked the cancer's ass and had it all removed! I think things happen so quickly that we tend to lose our priorities or focus in times like this. So now, I'm gearing up for the chemo- getting my body stronger- going home for a dose of my kids first - and then... watch out.You've never seen a woman with a purpose in mind- as much as Me. I have Major Fish to Fry!

I need to gain back 10lbs.

I need to learn how to wear the wig I've picked out and God Damn it? It's prettier than my OWN hair!

I need to become sure-footed again, heels will be the Only option.

Most importantly I need to let my kids see that I'm a fighter. 


Then I'm back to work, back on my book tour, back to radio interviews, TV interviews, right back to being the "Sugar Mom."


I'd like to ask something of you. Since you've decided to take this journey with me, and have made me feel more secure while having you near... I'd like you to see just where the journey began by buying my book: "The Diary of a Sugar Mom. Don't Tell the Kids!"  STOP.  This is not a sales ploy- I make less than $1 a book. This is, "ya' can't take the next steps with me, not totally,.. unless you understand who I really am, what made me get to this place- what exactly is a Sugar Mom versus a Sugar Baby, in the Sugar Daddy world.  It's important to me that you understand what preceded me screaming about cancer, telling women to get up, get to the doctor and get checked Now! If you see blood after menopause GO to your doctor immediately! I caught ovarian cancer Early because I was proactive. I'm begging you to tell your wife, girlfriend, daughter, mom, etc to do the same. The book will show you where this woman, me,...came from. I want you to know her. It's not about the sale- $3 for a download, $7 for a book? It's just a way to cross the bridge and come further into my world. 

If you choose not to, that's ok. We're still on the road... you'll just never have the insight I'm wanting to share with you.


Here's my site if you choose to read the book: and click on Book.


I've not lost my figure, although I've lost some muscle tone from laying in bed while in the hospital so today I'm going for a walk, buying a sexy one piece bathing suit at Victoria Secret and then laying at the pool in it! My bikini will wait-jealously in the closet while these stitches heal and disappear! As I said, Lots of Fish to Fry! 



Day 7, After The Operation

August 25, 2014. By Robin Marshall
UT Southwestern, Dallas Texas

I'm not sure what day it is NOW... but if feels like day TEN!

This was to have been a four day procedure!.....And at this point there are no veins left to prod and a temper that's about to explode! The culprit? My "Bowels are sleeping and they won't wake the F.. UP!"

First of all it's a subject I never discuss... EVER! Me and the bathroom are two very private entities, just ask my husband: he's never seen me in the "powder room" while we were married? Never! My mom told me to keep mystery in a marriage. She said, "you should never let a man see you at your worst", and now here I am blogging about it. Where has my shame gone?

Medically I've had tubes in my nose that are killing my throat, one IV that's holding needles, no pain from the surgery, but yet no gain either. It's very frustrating to feel good after major surgery and still have to stick around the hospital. These doctors live a backwards life, making rounds at 4:30AM and not ending until 15 min increments. By the time they get to me I'm so exhausted from doc number 1 that I can't think straight for doc number 4! They expect me to be coherent?

I'm worried about work. I left my assistants in charge, and I'm so proud of them, but it was a lot to prepare them for, both clerically and emotionally. I check in as often as I can and a lot depends on what tube is sticking out of where.

I'm worried about my kids. It's lonely without them, yet I don't think I'd want them to see me like this. They know me as the strong mom, not the weak one. I wonder if that was a mistake, to raise them like that under false pretenses. I think I was weaker more often than not during their upbringing but I put on a great show. I'm really not sure, it could be my frame of mind that's having me lean in that direction. They hardly call me, but it can't be because they don't love me, but maybe more because they're assuming I'm OK. I'm not sure.

Of course there are those little creeper thoughts about, "where might there be a teeny weenie bit of cancer just lurking and ready to pounce when I'm finally feeling good for a minute and get to go home. So ladies I want you to know the surgery and recovery part isn't bad. IF you catch it soon enough! It's all this other crap that'll make you nuts!

I'm sooo not looking forward to the chemo. My eyes tear when I think about throwing up and losing my hair. Our hair is such an important part of our being. It makes us feel sexy, desired. I can't, just can't even imagine what
it will be like to lose that essence. I know lots of women have done it and are the stronger for it. I applaud them! I just don't know if I'll be able to be like them. I wanted time to find the perfect wig, but they're keeping me in here and who can rush while shopping for a wig, especially having never done it before! I wish there was a traveling wig store that would come to the hospital with models to show different sassy looks!

The oddest thing happened last night between my book "The Diary of a Sugar Mom," which I just recently released as FACTION, and an email I received from a character in the book that I hadn't talked to in many, many years. I didn't understand why he sent me a link, and wrote him asking so, only to realize his email had been hijacked. I thought to myself that it was so odd that of all times he'd indirectly write me while I'm the hospital because of spam! We'd shared quite a past together and if he only knew that he was a big part in my book, lol, he'd have a cow! Next thing you know he called me! Talk about bringing the book to life! Dear god, I don't think either of us was prepared for last night's conversation! I didn't tell him he was in the book. I still have this stupid way of trying to protect the men I've been with, even if they were idiots along the way, but it felt good to hear him laugh and remember the "good parts."

Isn't that what life is supposed to be about? Holding on to the good parts and learning from the bad, and then just letting go?

Hopefully for all of us that are undergoing chemo we too, will be able to remember how beautiful our hair was, as we move forward to healthiness. Maybe we realize it's not as important as we think? I HOPE so...

Love and thanks to you all!

What Day is it, Anyway?... Day 5?

It seems like it was two weeks ago that I put a book out.  I'm kind of thinking  maybe it needed to be longer. Obviously it was lacking in content. Why else would I be hit with a topic that I need to learn about in a hurry, and a disease that many have questions about that I have to be the damned "chosen one" to explain!  This goes above and beyond reason! All that know me well will expect to hear the Next set of words come tumbin' out..."This? Is Ridiculous!"
So let me begin with what I've learned that still hasn't stuck yet: I'm not good with directions so I've avoided paperwork, and the first thing I've discovered is there are Students, that talk, talk and talk some more because it makes them feel important! Nothing wrong with feeling special as along as you're offering the correct info to the patient.
Then there are "Residents" who seem smarter than the students, but you need to be careful of what you ask because while they're Not Students, they're still not as smart as Doctors. Let's not skip over the "Fellow." WTF is a Fellow? A good old chap? By the time you're done processing who's who and who's said What, you may want to climb back up on the surgery table and ask everyone to start over! THIS TIME though, you want Labels on your parts taken OUT and parts that are being Fixed.

One Person told me what ever cancer is left, after they look at the path slides next week, I'll be in pain again from the New cancer. I said, "I was never in pain from the Old Cancer! Why would it hurt this go-round?" Fellow came in tonight and after I relayed this passed on info, she said, "That was a Student talking- IGNORE them!" What? I'm not in the habit of ignoring medical people and I'm almost wishing now that they'd wear colored name tags to determine who sits in what chair? If you ever find yourself with a million questions don't take the word of anyone who is NOT your 
Doctor! OMG, these people are almost as bad as jocks in the radio industry! We all just want to be heard.

I've learned that the Doctor wants me to get through 2 rounds of double-dipping chemo, but with the hope that I'll manage 6 rounds! So Now I have to wonder if I can beat the odds and go the distance just for the principal of it, or if I should just expect to get through 2 rounds and be happy.

This one takes the cake: My mom thought my surgery was NEXT Monday! So she never called the day of! If it didn't hurt to laugh, I'd be howling! It's good to laugh on paper. My kids can't believe that my husband who I'm separated from for 5 years now, is the one that came in to be with me. Five kids uttering, "Mom? What's Wrong with you guys??'  Like... where did Dad sleep??"

Ok. The facts for those women that wonder:
A. Always look to see if you're  bleeding especially after menopause,
B. Watch for bloating for no reason.
C. Keep track of UTI's.
D. If you need a hysterectomy it may be from cancer- they don't always know what kind. Let them run labs, blood work, biopsies... whatever they need to do- Don't get in the way!
Lastly keep your sense of humor. It's rare that you get the opportunity to laugh but when you do? Use it to the hilt! It feels so good to feel as though you're beating the odds! One more thing: Sorry! don't be afraid to ask questions!  Just be sure to ask the right person!




I'm still here!

It turned out to be Ovarian cancer alone; not Uterine. I always thought Ovarian was the "death sentence."


I hurt like hell!


Each area, from the base of my neck to the tops of my thighs should have a little button that when pushed would say, "Don't TOUCH me!" I'd also stomp my foot if I had the ability to do so!


The good news is they got it all, the "not so good” news is, she took about 20 snippets from all over the rest of my organs and sent them out to be biopsied. Now? I sit and wait for results. If you know me, you have to know that patience is not one of my virtues. Just for futures, you should know that I don't do well in traffic or on-hold, either.


I'm pretty sure that within my entire life, I've allowed myself to throw up, maybe 5 times, max, that's it! I will do anything in the world to avoid it! I get sick just thinking about it, but, the real deal of chemo in my future is sounding like its own death sentence.


Today while thinking about how I'll handle having no hair, I walked the hospital halls with my very own pole! (No, not a stripper pole!) This pole had an IV bottle hung on it. I knew a pole would have a use in my life, but I never anticipated that its contents would carry a lifesaving liquid.  Having insight is a wonderful thing!


Thank you for taking this journey with me, I truly believe I couldn't do it alone.


You really matter that much to me!





It was my Doctor. The test results were in, and they weren’t in my favor. I tried to look behind her to see if there was anyone else waiting in line to add another "one-two punch,” but she stood alone with words that cut through. In all fairness to her surgical abilities,… her words were probably sharper than a scalpel and were certainly straight to the jugular!

OK. The tumor we were hoping for has caught the last train for the coast. Ugh! This means I have to work a lot harder to get back to the old reliable Robin.

She explained that she would go in laparascopically but I’d need to sign a consent so if she saw anything more she’d be able to do a full blown surgery instead.  I asked, "Does this change the stage I’m in?” She said she wouldn’t know until after they biopsy other organs if necessary. I asked, "How long for results?” She said "10 days." Ten days of torture! 10 days of not knowing what stage cancer you’re in. Hell, I just figured out what stage of LIFE I’m in!

The final question, and of course this is me assuming I’m living through this crap- "will I need chemo?” Answer, "YES.” There in lies the stranger that was in line behind her. The one I thought skipped my line and meant to bother someone else. No such luck. What about my book? How do I add chapters on to the end of "The Diary of a Sugar Mom?” These are some serious chapters! Oh dear god, I’m already realizing there’s gonna’ have to be book two. I don’t think I could live through it! Oh!, maybe I won’t HAVE to?

I’m now thinking ahead, wondering if I have enough hair, which is currently down to the middle of my back, to have someone make me my own wig? It’s right up there with finding my car in a parking lot;  the same kind of illogical logic that works in my head.

The final question I had for her was, "You said that tonight I had to be on an all liquid diet, does Vodka count?”  Her reply...."go for it, and have a good night!"

Should doctors have pat answers to medical conditions?  For example, if you’re operating on someone who has been diagnosed with cancer, my advice would be to tell them;

A. Try to get some sleep
B.  It’ll be over before you know it
C. You’re in good hands.
D. Don’t beat yourself up
E. You need to rest

But "have a good night" would not be one of them!


AUGUST 16, 2014
Robin Marshall Before Cancer Surgery.


As far as she knows, just like anyone else diagnosed, she could lose her life, … compared to Robin Williams who chose to take his!

That’s about as angry as I’m going to get.


Yes… I was diagnosed last week after several doctor’s appointments spanning from months ago when all was perfectly normal even though I felt something was wrong, and continued to persist through a battery of tests this last week ending in D-Day on Friday when the bomb was dropped in my lap.

I have stage 3 ovarian cancer and need a hysterectomy. In my brain I’m thinking, "Those are all my good parts! How could they turn on me NOW?” It’s like I want to have a good "talkin’ to,” with myself!

With this news, I shook, as people do when they’re in shock, I asked the doctor, who BTW is a fast talking NY’er from Sloan Kettering, to explain it to me, which she did… and after finishing her spiel consisting of medical lingo, tumors, numbers and parts I didn’t even know I had… she asked if I understood. I said, "F*** No! I need to call my girlfriend who’s currently a chief radiologist at Sloan Kettering in NY and let you tell her so she can tell me!” She continued by drawing me pictures of my insides, where I calmly began pushing numbers on my cell phone until Arlene answered. I interrupted the fast-talking doc and said, "Here, tell her everything.” She did!

I’ve decided that I’ve always been forthcoming here on Facebook and Twitter and it is ridiculous for me to continue to hide what I’m facing, while at the same time I’m the LAST ONE to look for sympathy! Holy Cow! I just released this book: "The Diary of a Sugar Mom!”

I’m already thinking, …”Hmmm… if I Die… I might sell more books and my Kids will be better off!” It’s the entrepreneur in me, I just can’t help it!

I wrote the book for TWO reasons:

1. TRUTH. We all need to take a good look in the mirror every lunar eclipse and admit to where we’ve been and where we want to go.

2. My goal was to show women that at the age of 45 and up when your kids are leaving and your husband is lackadaisical, your life has just Begun! Call it "me time!” Your kids, husband, parents, friends, and lovers will all survive while you take care of you for a while. I’m trying, via this book to offer you the permission you’ve needed. If you want gym time, and your kids need carpooling, tell someone else to do it and stick to your plan.You’ve given them everything you’ve got like the sap inside the tree until the bark isn’t barking any more. Run Forest, Run!

3. Oh come on, you all know I suck at math… I know I said Two, but my hands have trouble keeping up with my mind, so indulge me again. Men! If you’d open your mouths and tell your wives exactly what you want sexually and spiritually, you’d be surprised at just how fast you may turn her around. Silence gets you nowhere fast.

Here’s my message to you all: I have traveled great distances, spiritually as well as in mileage to protect my family, just like you. Ok, maybe to bit more of an extreme, leaving them behind with their dad because we really needed the money, while I broke out into corporate and writing books in a totally different state and city, but they’re safe and I’m happy they’re safe! I go home every two weeks. That’s the part that’s hurting me most. I’ll have to put seeing them on the back burner while I heal, if it’s in the cards.

I’m "coming out,” with this news because it’s just me being me.

You may have a few questions. Here are a few examples.

1. "Is there anything I can do?” Answer: "YES, would you mind having this operation for me, so I can continue with my weekend Book Tour? :-)”

2. "Is it gonna’ hurt?” Answer: "I dunno? I’ve never had my insides taken out before, these parts used to make babies and now they’re just making trouble, but if I had to guess, it’s gonna’ hurt like Hell!”

3. "Are you gonna be OK?” Answer: "How the hell do I know! Ask me in a week, hopefully I’ll be here to answer!”

Never ask a question that you’re not prepared to hear the answer to, especially if it’s to me! Just laugh, thank God quietly (when I’m not looking) that it wasn’t  you, and deal with me! If I need something? Do I seem the type that’d be afraid to ask? You should pray that you stay out of my path right now because I just might ask of you, … to piss you off or merely to see how you react!

Ok. I’m gonna’ get serious for a minute: I’ve been Very proactive medically over the last few months. Girlfriends, when you become symptomatic, it’s not you being "hormonal,” as your spouse might insist. Trust that you know your own body and follow through. Don’t listen to anyone other than YOU.

While in the Dr’s office, and having just passed my doctor over to my girlfriend on the phone, whom I’m calling "Dr. Arlene,” they may as well have been speaking in a foreign language as I listened while shaking, …wondering where I’d parked my car. Why should THAT change? I always feel blessed when I find my car. It’s the little things…

They hung up as I mentally challenged myself, picturing walking in from outside and remembering landmarks, because one thing I knew was I needed my car to get the hell away from this immediate situation so I could breathe on my own. I didn’t  want her looking at me anymore as though I was a victim and she was trying to make sense out of my being assaulted.

I asked her, "When do you feel I should have this operation done?” She answered, "Wed of next week. I’m booked solid on Thursday and Friday.” I thought I’d been in shock only moments ago, but to hear your doctor utter the words, "next week,” is mind blowing.

Now comes the part where you’ll recognize me again! Ready? I asked her, "if we pushed this to the following Monday, a mere 5 days later, would it make a difference?” She said, no, she was only trying to accommodate me because I’d come across like I was in a hurry, and then she asked the question I was afraid she’d ask: "WHY?” Ugh… I knew if I told her the truth she may not take me seriously in the OR, but if I didn’t grab those few extra days I’d lose an opportunity that really mattered to me! Call me crazy, … Once again I told the truth: "I have an important trip scheduled that includes a high-powered seminar and two or three interviews for my book. I’d like to get it rolling so my publicist will have something to work with while I’m down for the count.”

DEAD AIR. I don’t have a clue as to why I thought she’d understand, and then she asked the REALLY GOOD question: "Ooooh!  What’s the subject of your book and what’s it called? Can I buy it anywhere?”

Here’s where I felt the injustice and humor in a single breath as I calmly explained that it’s a book about a woman who when faced with an emergency situation regarding the well-being of her children, learned about the Sugar Daddy world and became a Sugar Baby in order to protect them!


She asked, "Is this a novel?” I’m thinking… she’s really asking, "Is this like 50 Shades?” I said, "It’s Faction.”

BLANK FACE. When a Doctor has a blank face, you know you’re in trouble. The conversation continued where I said, "So…I’d like to call Arlene back,…” where she interrupted me saying,… "What’s Faction?” I swear I almost told her that she needed to be the one laying down with her feet in the stirrups as I continued, "it’s part fact and part fiction…so really, will the extra days make a difference or not?”

She looked at me. If looks could kill, I could picture her viewing my surgery as a speed bump in her day. That’s what her face registered!

Knowing how to deal with egos as well as I do, I turned it around and said, "Doctor, the character in the book charged more per hour than you do as a surgeon! She is a smart woman, which is why I chose to write about her!” THAT did not go over well. Hell, I was going for broke at that point as I continued, "and she didn’t need a degree to keep her kids safe and sound!”

PIN DROP Moment. Whatever?

I needed the save at that moment as I asked her, "What would YOU do, if faced with that situation of keeping your children in their home; warm, fed and clean versus living in a shelter or worse yet, on the street? Could you have sex for money?”

A life altering moment happened within a few seconds as I saw the light in her eyes turn on. She asked, "How do I get a copy of the book?” I told her it was available on Amazon or my website.” She wrote down my web address. I think that was the biggest, "Phee-eew” moment in my life! Instead of my fearing being butchered on the table, I felt she understood me. Yay! I hope?

Here’s my bottom line with you all: Please: I just want life to continue as it is, let us be the friends that we are, but just be aware that I have an agenda. My agenda is to get well, and I know how tough surgery can be, emotionally and physically, especially for a woman who really takes good care of herself. I walk every night, I never eat junk and I stay in the best shape I can.

I worry about bouncing back, the chance of chemo, losing my hair… throwing up! I know they sound like something a spoiled brat might mention but every once in a while I feel scared. I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, that I just feel tired when I think about what may happen to me and what I’ve worked so hard to maintain. Spoiled? I dunno… I have girlfriends that have lived through worse; and for God’s Sake: I just thought of another question you may have: "Is Uterine Cancer Contagious and if so can you catch it via sex?”

Answer: "I’d have been dead YEARS ago if this were the case! Hell to the No, it’s not contagious!”

My motive with my book was to brag about this new word I embellished and even have a pending Trademark with: Sugar Mom. It’s a woman who lives a life less ordinary. A woman who deserves her own space, after raising her kids and even her husband! LOL! It’s not necessarily sexual, but the word "Sugar” represents all the things she’s wanted but has not had the opportunity to experience.

So here I am… a Sugar Mom who just got bitch-slapped in the face by a huge hand of reality. I’m assuming I overstepped, (what else is new?) and this is just God’s way of putting me back in my place or just slowing my ass down a bit until she can catch up. I get it. I’ll be good.

I promise!

Please, no fake comments. I shared with you because I want you to go to the doctor if you feel something’s wrong or out of whack. I want you to look at your significant other and tell them you love them. If I can help change One Person it’s worth it. It’s always been my formula with everything I tackle: one person at a time. It’s medicinal for me! It helps me to thrive, and guess what? I’ve raised 5 kids to be just like me! That brings me peace, because there’s no shutting them up, if I should disappear.

My ultimate plan is to blog via my site daily while I recuperate., and if you’d like to reach me personally about this subject just email me. Any conversations we have via email are private. Period.

Much love to every one of you. Make a difference today while you can.


Let’s just roll with it, ok?


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